By Chris Kavan - 04/10/13 at 05:07 AM CT
It has been quite the trip we've been on. While I have issues with some of the Razzie "winners" - others rightfully deserve their place as some of the worst movies of all time. But this final group - well, they're in a class all their own. They not only deserve their Razzie titles - they deserve to be buried in the desert along with all those old Atari E.T. games. Buried and forgotten. Alas, we have to live with them - but that won't stop me from giving them the ultimate stink eye.
Granted, as terrible as they are, if you want to view my personal list of all-time top terrible movies, feel free to hop on over to my Worst All Time Movie List. It's where bad movies go to die. But enough about me, let's get down and dirty.
You know, Show Girls, while terrible, has a trashy appeal. Wherease Striptease is just embarrassing for everyone involved: Demi Moore, Burt Reynolds, Ving Rhames - heck, I even feel bad for Rumor Willis (who was only 8 -years-old at the time). It's not sexy, it's not dramatic and it's certainly not thrilling - it's tired, trite and unappealing. It's not quite unwatchable - but it's pretty darn close.
Before we had Dark Knight and Avengers, the superhero genre was starting to look pretty stale. Daredevil, Elektra and The Punisher were all pretty bad but taking the awful superhero cake has to be Halle Berry as Catwoman. Does anyone else agree that Hollywood has every right to revoke her Best Actress Academy Award after watching this litter box-worthy "performance"? Is it her fault or her agent? If it's the latter I hope he/she was buried under a pile of old Garfield comics and Heath the Cat DVDs - slowly suffocating for dishonoring felines everywhere. If you had nine lives, every one of their souls would be sucked dry after having to sit through this.
3) THE LAST AIRBENDER
Has anyone's career managed to fall as fast and hard as M. Night Shyamalan? I mean, the man has two films I consider spectacular in The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable. Yet every subsequent film fell further and further until we are left with The Happening and Last Airbender. Now, I know nothing about the original source material (TV show or manga) but even going in with no prior knowledge this film was a wonder - a wonder that anyone ever thought it worked on any level whatsoever. The movie made no sense - it jumped around like a flea on crack - and everything from the casting to the special effects were just wrong. Look, I will stick to watching even a terrible film through the end - but this seriously tested my limits. It was a struggle to make it to the end and I would only employ this film in the torture of the world's worst criminals.
2) LEONARD PART SIX
You see that picture up there? Yes, that is Bill Cosby holding a magic hotdog. Why a magic hotdog? Because the villain in this movie is a crazy vegan (or vegetarian, whatever) who employs animals to attack. Also, her henchmen are staunch veggie lovers so when confronted with a magic hotdog (and other meat-based weapons) they are instantly knocked out. And this is only the 10th-stupidest thing about this movie. This is the kind of movie I swear is on a loop somewhere in one of the circles of hell. You will actually get dumber from watching this and to anyone, anytime, anywhere who bought this for any amount of money (even as a gag gift or something) you should be fined for endangering society or terroristic threats or something equally egregious. And for those who managed to sit through this entire movie - I'm sorry - even when I was a stupid kid who loved to watch everything I thought this was a bad movie - not that I'm older I can truly appreciate how very, very terrible it is.
1) BATTLEFIELD EARTH
There can only be one winner here and for my money, nothing stinks up the place quite as well as Battlefield Earth. Maybe it's my natural aversion to Scientology that clouds things - or perhaps it's just the mind-numbingly bad pacing, horrendous acting or nonsensical plot (look we're essentially cavemen, but we can fly jets! And the jet fuel is just fine after thousands of years too!) that does the trick. Look - there are no shortage of bad sci-fi movies out there - but the point is this is a movie that wants to be a "serious" sci-fi movie that falls flat on its face. If movies could kill you this would be cancer, the Bubonic Plague and Ebola all mixed together - injected directly into your eyeball and turning your brain to mush instantly, This is one of a handful of films I might actually pay a person not to watch - and actively destroy their copy to save humanity - if just a bit.
So there you have it - the worst of the worst. If you feel like making your own list, head on over the Razzie Worst Picture Winners and see for yourself who was nominated, who won and maybe who deserved to win. I've avoided many of the worst winners (have managed to avoid such luminaries as Gigli, The Love Guru, Swept Away and Freddy Got Fingered) but if you haven't - I'd love to hear what you think. I hope you enjoyed reading about these movies as I have writing about them. And, as always, opinions are welcome.
Daniel Corleone - wrote on 04/13/13 at 03:46 PM CT
Striptease was horrible and The Last Airbender was just pointless. Had to endure both at the theater. No plans on seeing the rest hahaha.
Chris Kavan - wrote on 04/10/13 at 05:14 PM CT
At least she was a good sport about it - that agent probably didn't get half as worse as he deserved.