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Steal This Blog - Because These Guys Obviously Won't

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By Chris Kavan - 09/29/10 at 10:12 AM CT

It's fun to watch when a group can plan the perfect heist - Ocean's 11, The Italian Job - you know, real group dynamics going on. It may be just as much fun to watch bumbling crooks get their due, because if you can't perform your job, even if it is a thief, then you deserve to be prison bitch or dead. Here, then, are the absolute worst criminal:

1) Harry and Marv - Home Alone / Home Alone 2 - Sticky Bandits, Wet Bandits - how about Failures at Life - I mean not once, but twice getting their asses handed to them by an annoying little brat. Let's see: severe burns, fractures, possible brain damage and internal bleeding - why didn't they just bring a handy shotgun or Winchester along for the ride?

2) Professor G.H. Dorr and Crew - The Ladykillers - Only slightly more embarrassing than losing to an 8-year-old is losing to a kindly old church-going lady, but the Prof. manages to succeed at losing. At least Harry and Marv ultimately survived - albeit with life-long embarrassment - The Ladykillers crew all manage to off themselves - good riddance to bad criminals.

3) Simon Gruber - Die Hard: With a Vengeance - His brother suffered from the same thing that many villains do: overconfidence. Look, you had a good plan with the fake bombs and stealing of plenty of gold, but why throw in a useless revenge plot and muck things up, Simon? Plus you made thing needlessly complicated with jokes and rhymes and little games. Just get an expert sniper and end things. His idea of killing someone makes him much worse than your typical Bond villain, which is why he ended up on this list.

4) Charlie Arglist and Vic Cavanaugh - The Ice Harvest - Too bad Ice Road Truckers wasn't around to get some pointers. Anyway, you can't have a good team if you don't have trust, and when everyone's watching out for themselves and no one else, things are going to get ugly. Next time, invest in some tire chains and don't piss off the mob or just stick to being a lawyer, they're pretty much all criminals anyway.

5) Mr. Blonde, Mr. Orange, Mr. Pink, etc. - Reservoir Dogs - Robbing a jewelery store should be cake... unless you happen to employ and undercover cop and a serious wacko in your crew. Instead, you shoot a bunch of people, torture a cop, slowly bleed out and generally make a complete mess of everything. Remember, knowing about who you're working with is just as important as who you're working for - get to know your fellow men before needlessly throwing your life away for them.


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