Review - My Bloody Valentine 3D
Delorted - wrote on 02/01/09
Is no holiday sacred? We’ve had Christmas horror, April Fool’s Day horror, St. Patrick’s Day horror, we’ve even had Presidents Day horror and Father’s Day horror. And now we have Valentine’s Day Horror. <i>BUT WAIT</i>, this isn’t the first time we’ve had Valentine’s Day horror because this movie is actually a remake.
If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m talking about My Bloody Valentine, or to rightfully detach it from the original, My Bloody Valentine <i><b>3D</b></i>. It’s your typical slasher flick, where there’s a supposedly dead guy running around in a miner’s outfit killing with a pickaxe people no particular reason. What makes him “special,” a word to be used gently with this film, is that when he kills a pretty woman (if she’s ugly, forget it) he cuts out her heart and puts it in a nice little Valentine box. Why? Who the hell knows. It is never once explained in the film. Nor, for that matter, is it explained why the camera lingers on completely useless characters, but I’ll get to that later.
The first ten or so minutes of this film are pretty awesome. They cut straight into the action, no plot development, no character development, not even any sex, just straight in to some of the coolest, albeit stolen, gore shots I’ve seen in a while, and all in <i><b>3D</b></i>. Once we see “TEN YEARS LATER” on the screen, however, the movie turns to crap. Suddenly we have to follow these boring people from the first bit of the movie who for some reason look exactly as they did ten years ago when they were teenagers. There’s absolutely nothing interesting about a single character in the film except for a guy named Axel played by Kerr Smith, who just can’t be taken serious as the chief of police with a name like “Axel.” The only thing that makes this guy interesting is the fact that he’s a total douche, to the point of near-hatred, which finally crosses that line by the end of the film, considering the outcome.
The main character in the film is Tom Hanniger, played by the now <i>almost</i> always awesome Jensen Ackles. What he’s doing in this movie is unknown to me, especially when I’m praying he doesn’t end up typecasting himself as “the horror guy” with this and Supernatural. Tom was the most notable witness of the killer, Harry Warden, before his supposed demise. Ten years later, he comes back into town and is accused by some of the townspeople of killing all those people so many years ago. Again, this doesn’t exactly make sense considering the fact that there were <i>eye witnesses</i>. at the scene. They just excuse it as a cover up and that’s the end of that. Anyway, the killer happens to come back, which doesn’t exactly help Tom’s case, so he decides to set things right and figure out who the killer is, or if it is in fact Harry Warden come back for...um...revenge? That’s the biggest problem with this movie: Nothing happens for a reason. Everything just sort of happens and there’s no explanation for why anybody is doing anything.
Now if the still unperfected science of <i><b>3D</b></i> hasn’t enticed you to go see this movie, an actress named Betsy Rue has a solid four, count ‘em, <i>four minute</i> nude scene. Everything in this movie says it was written by a fourteen year old boy, from the nudity (which is the only freaking thing in the movie that actually sort of makes sense, even though it’s completely unnecessary), to the horrible dialogue (the dialogue is so bad I can’t even describe it in words), to the bland gore scenes after the first ten minutes. And about that, how many ways are there exactly to kill somebody with a pickaxe? I mean, really, they actually reuse some of the kills in this movie, and that’s terrible.
I have to point out one last thing, which is the token black character, a police officer played by Edi Gathegi. He is to my recollection the only black person in the entire film, and for some reason, the camera guy was <i>really</i> proud of this, because every single time he’s in a scene, the camera focuses in on him. There’s no explanation of this, and I’ll just tell you right now that he has absolutely no connection to the murders or the murderer. It really is as if they forgot to cast any black people in the movie, so they created a character with barely any lines to just stand in the background (well, foreground for the most part, again, for no reason whatsoever) and...be...black...I guess.
If you’re really into horror and you’ve never seen a horror film in <i><b>3D</b></i>, then I guess it’s not a complete waste of money. It feels like some of the later Friday the 13th movies, and I seriously hope the <i>actual</i> Friday the 13th movie coming out later this month is not anything like this. They can really only get better.
Final Verdict: ★☆☆☆☆