Yojimbo's Movie Review of Love Actually

Rating of

Love Actually

"Love Actually" by Yojimbo
Yojimbo - wrote on 03/15/12

I have to admit, I watched this film under duress and in its favour, if you enjoyed Notting Hill and Bridget Jones, you'll enjoy this. If however you are like me, part of the 49% of the population with their plumbing on the outside, you will probably make the following observations (after being revived from the diabetic coma watching this film will induce.):
In a world that isn't inhabited solely by sensitive upper middle class English professionals who all live happily ever after covered in pixie dust tra-lal-la
1. Liam Neeson's son's stage school perfect cutie-pie brains would've been splattered all over Heathrow airport by armed security forces.
2. Keira Knightley would've called her hubbie's best mate a pervert and a stalker and he would've been on the receiving end of a restraining order or a good kicking from his up until recently best friend's burliest mates.
3. Bill Nighy would've woken up on Christmas morning septum-less under a heaving pile of barely legal wannabe-models coated in fine white powder that wasn't necessarily snow.
4. I don't know much about Milwaukee, but I do know that it's not populated entirely with underwear models desperate to be the willing sex slaves of a sex obsessed English yob. It is in fact the fattest city in America. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.
5. Martine McCutcheon would definitely "not have had sexual relations" with Hugh Grant and then been shuffled off out of sight and mind. Unless she had a handily unwashed dress with the stains to prove otherwise.
I would however suggest that you do not mention any of these points to your female partners unless you wish to be accused of being emotionally repressed and deprived of your sexual privileges for the foreseeable future. Instead just grit your teeth during all the bits that don't have Bill Nighy in them. Now, I must be off to call my therapist and renew my subscription to "Jugs" magazine.

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