Vampire Movies That Suck and Werewolf Movies That Bite... in Honor of Twilight: Eclipse

By Chris Kavan - 07/01/10 at 05:49 PM CT

So The Twilight Saga: Eclipse opened to a record-breaking Wednesday opening... but failed to shatter the one-day total of a different Twilight film. In honor of this momentous event, and also because there is going to be yet another spoof movie (you know, from the same geniuses who gave us Disaster Movie and other gems) called Vampires Suck - I present the worst movies I've seen revolving around blood-sucking monsters and hairy beasts - three each so team Edward and team Jacob won't be disappointed and one with both.

7) An American Werewolf in Paris - The London original is a classic. This updated tale is a mess. Despite having many years, the transformation isn't even as cool as it was in the 80s. Paris may be lovers, but An American Werewolf in Paris should only be viewed by lovers of bad movies.

6) Dracula: Dead and Loving It - A far cry from Mel Brooks wonderful Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, this vampire parody has few laughs and not even veteran funnyman Leslie Nielsen can save the film. Hey, at least I have absolute certainty that this film will be ten times better than Vampires Suck.

5) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans - Okay so this has both werewolves and vampires - it sucks evenly for both groups. The first two Underworld films were okay, not the greatest, but entertaining. This third entry was just a step backward - in time and in terms of character and story. Going back in time only works for some films, not so much for Underworld.

4) Blade: Trinity - Another series that had a promising start and a dud ending. New flash: adding pretty people to your movie does not make it better. At least there's plenty of action, but when you have lots of stuff going on, it makes it hard to care about things like plot and characters. Watch the original again instead.

3) Teen Wolf II - Where to start on this one? The original is fun in a cheesy way - plus it has Michael J. Fox. Despite having Jason Bateman - a far cry away from his Arrested Development comeback, Teen Wolf II is just not fun - not even in a cheesy way.

2) Van Helsing - No other film, not even the much maligned Star Wars prequels, have such a bad case of high grade special effects vs. bottom of the barrel story. You have all the classic monsters, plus one classic monster hunter, but the story goes NOWHERE. The black-and-white opening is the only saving grace, the rest is all excess and incoherent rambling. One of the worst films I watched in the theater (and I just saw Jonah Hex).

1) Howling II - The Howling is a pretty fun romp through werewolf territory, but this sequel is about as bad as you can get. It was so bad, I haven't seen any of the other ones (my guess is they're even worse, but I don't see how that can be). This left me howling, and not in a good way. As sequels go, it's right up there with Jaws IV and Texas Chainsaw Massacre III.

Be aware I know I'm missing plenty of stinkers - but this is a list of movies I've seen - I'm not going to ever watch Bloodrayne or some straight-to-DVD piece of crap, so that's why these are high profile... but still really awful. So what - have an opinion on fang-filled devils or point-toothed monsters? Let me know!

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