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Countdown to Halloween: The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse

View Chris Kavan's Profile

By Chris Kavan - 10/21/10 at 11:59 AM CT

I take no effort to hide the fact that there's something about the zombie genre that I just love. Compared to all the other ways humanity can crumble in a matter of days or weeks, this has to be my all-time favorite. Books, games, movies - if it has zombies in it - I'll probably check it out.

I would like to think I would be a bit handy to have around if the bodies of the recently deceased started walking and eating everyone in sight. So take heed and plan accordingly - who knows, it might just save your life!

1) Boom! Headshot - It should be common knowledge, but if you didn't get the memo, remember aim for the head! You don't even have to have a firearm - a baseball bat or hammer will do just fine, just please stay away from large crowds and any gnashing teeth. It might do you well to become proficient with at least one weapon - a rifle is preferable over a handgun, but shotguns can also be useful.

2) Be Quiet! - Despite the fact they might be dead, zombies have some kind of keen sense, particularly around loud noises. Before you fire off a weapon, a generator, yelling for help or that radio - remember, it will attract more attention. If you can generate a kill with less noise, all the better, that or be prepared to fight off a large group.

3) Fortify Yourself! - Believe me, you DO NOT want to be in a city when things go down. Even if it's a small town, you're probably better off leaving. If you hear about emergency shelter, ignore it; they become compromised way too easily and are death traps waiting to happen. You're better off finding a nice, quiet place in the country, preferably at least two stories with some kind of perimeter. If you have a well and garden, you can at least be a little self-sustaining but scavenging is always an option - but be careful.

4) A Bite is a Death Sentence - It may seem callous and uncaring, but if someone is bit, it's better to take them out sooner rather than later. Zombies aren't people anymore, and once bitten, you're going to be a zombie. Some argue that if you can amputate infected areas soon enough, you may be able to save the person but sacrifice a limb. You have to decide what course you want to take, but doing nothing is the worst possible option.

5) Mankind is Cruel - Sometimes the worst threat is not from the terrible moaning and roaming packs of undead, but from your fellow survivors. Whether they've turned cannibal or are just out to loot, rape and destroy - or have simply gone insane from dealing with the outbreak - dealing with the living can be just as important than dealing with the dead. It sounds easy to trust fellow survivors, but you also must proceed with extreme caution. The best offense is a good defense.

6) Be Prepared to Run - No matter how secure you think you are, chances are eventually you will be overrun. Have a backup plan - motorcycles or heavy duty vehicles are your best choices. Know where other strongholds are located - prisons, defense facilities, islands or just a really big boat - pack enough supplies to survive, scavenge as necessary and hope that humanity can fight back.

Finally, no matter what you've seen, zombies can't run. They may shamble a little faster when food is near, but they will never chase you or climb walls or jump around - they will slowly find you, they have no fear, no remorse, no pesky conscience - they will keep coming until you deal with them permanently. Remember, you can survive if you have a plan!

Next Week: Let's lighten things up with my movie-only costume line-up. I've dealt with enough monsters.


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