I Actually Paid to Watch This Crap?

By Chris Kavan - 10/13/10 at 02:21 PM CT

I don't get paid to write reviews - I like watching movies and I like to think that I can pick out those films that hold interest for me. Yet I am not immune to catching a few stinkers now and then. Lucky for me, I've also kept all my ticket stubs since 2003, so I can easily see just how bad my judgment can be sometimes.

2003 - No doubt the worst ticket stub I could find was for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. It did have a good cast and looked promising, but it was so bad that it pissed off Alan Moore enough that he never trusted anyone to get his graphic novels right ever again. Runner Up: Matrix Revolutions - I've already espoused my very strong dislike for this film. This is more a personal choice, however, rather than being "bad" movie.

2004 - Van Helsing - the film that defines "style over substance". Despite having some snazzy CGI effects, the story was a mess and the characters little better. Other than that amazing black and white opening, the rest of the film is a disaster.

2005 - Aeon Flux - the MTV animated program was pretty damn awesome, but this adaptation was, sadly, not. You just can't capture that look with live-action no matter how you try. Truly disappointing. Runner up: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - I know the books are extremely popular, but this adaptation couldn't reach their lofty heights. Nice try, though.

2006 - Snakes on a Plane - I admit I was secretly looking forward to this, but not even Samuel L. Jackson's famous line could hide the fact this was a cheesy, dumb movie even by Hollywood standards. As Internet fanboys have proven time and time again - you can't rely on them for decent grosses (see also Serenity and Scott Pilgrim). Runner Up: The Da Vinci Code - I really do like the book, even if Dan Brown is not the greatest author ever, but I though the film was miscast and not nearly as exciting as the novel.

2007 - The Golden Compass - It's not just because of Nicole Kidman, I swear. The story lacks any kind of emotional punch - maybe it's because they glossed over the religious aspect or maybe you can blame the cast. No matter what, pretty visuals can't make up for the blandness. Runner Up: 30 Days of Night - Plenty of blood but altogether mediocre in every other aspect.

2008 - 10,000 B.C. - You can mess with history, but perhaps not quite this much. Sure, there may be plenty of action and adventure, but if you think about for even a little bit you realize how absurd the entire film actually turns out. Runner Up: Max Payne - It may not be the worst video game adaptation, but considering the competition, that's not saying much. It joins the ranks of middling-to-bad video game films.

2009 - Jennifer's Body - I was drawn in by the hotness of Megan Fox and the hope that Diablo Cody could craft a decent horror film. Despite making out with another chick and making fun of emo music, it failed to impress. Runner Up - Transfomers 2 - Hey, Megan Fox is in this one too! Can't blame her for this mess, though. I don't care if it make a ton of cash, it was a crap movie that had lots of noise and shiny objects but no substance.

2010 (so far) - Jonah Hex - Are you seeing a trend here? Maybe I should just avoid any future films that star Megan Fox. Anyway, I think this film could have worked, if they had gotten a decent editor and not the hack who hacked away at this one. A disjointed mess with bad accents and plodding story. Runner Up - Legion - It looked interesting from the previews, but other than the one scene with the old lady turning into a demon, it was pretty craptastic. End of days indeed.

There, I aired out all my dirty laundry movie-watching history. Even I'm not immune to shelling out $5 - $9 dollars (depending on the year) on bad movies. The great thing is that Hollywood never runs out of terrible ideas, so I'll go through this scenario again and again and will curse and shake my head but never quite learn my lesson.


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