The Ultimate Fantasy Football Team Movie Edition

By Chris Kavan - 09/23/10 at 04:21 PM CT

Are you ready for some football?! I'm not a crazy fan, but I do enjoy following the games if only to see how various players are doing around the league - I don't currently have a favorite team Pro wise (college wise? GO HUSKERS!). I got to thinking, if you could draft the ultimate team, with fake players, how would it turn out. To my knowledge, something like this:

QB: "Steamin" Willie Beamen from Any Given Sunday. He can run, he can thrown, he can think on his feet - who cares if he upchucks a few times, the man is a one-man points machine and anybody would be happy to have him as QB and watch him rack up the points.

Backup: Johnny Moxon from Varsity Blues - Unconventional? Highly. But this is a kid who gets things done on the field. Just keep him away from all-night benders at the local strip club and you have a talented passer and escape artist who is also good at thinking on his feet.

WR: Rod Tidwell from Jerry Maguire - A man with a heart of gold and the one-liners to follow. Lord knows how many people quoted this man circa 1996, but despite the fact, the man knows how to catch and hold onto the ball, so why not?

Backup: Charlie Tweeder from Varsity Blues - He may need AA eventually, but for the time being this Texas good ole boy is a solid second pick. Good hands, good power: get him the ball and he will go far.

RB: Darnell Jefferson from The Program - Even if there were some questionable practices committed, you can't deny the man has talent. We all know that for the most part they look the other way anyway.

Backup: David Dunn from Unbreakable - Forget the phantom car crash that supposedly took him out of football. This is guy that can bench press what, 400 pounds with a little effort and can't get sick or injured. He may suffer in the rain or excessive Gatorade showers, but keep him under a dome and he's unstoppable!

TE: Brian Murphy from The Replacements - People might call you crazy for picking a deaf player, but all that crowd noise? Out. Trash talking disturbing you? Out. Sure, you also can't hear things like snap count or instructions, but it's a good chance for the coach and teammates to learn sign language.

Special Teams: Forrest Gump - Say what you will about the man, but that boy can run. Who better to have for your return team? Sure, he may need a little prodding to stop, but as long as has a few 95 yard returns a season, he's well worth it.

Kicker: Lucy Draper from Necessary Roughness - Get over the sexism inherent in a male-dominated sport and this leggy wonder will be booting 40-yard-plus field goals all day. Who says soccer is for wusses?

In all my fantasy leagues I've ignored single defensive players, but the likes of Bobby Boucher from The Waterboy, Charles Jefferson from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Steve Lattimer from The Program would all be great additions to any defensive unit.

That's the fantasy and reality can never equal our dreams. Sure there are others, but these may be the best of the (fictional) best.


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