By Chris Kavan - 07/31/13 at 07:22 PM CT
I go to the movies. Like, a lot. If not every weekend during the summer, certainly every other weekend. I sometimes see movies more than once - but one thing that never changes whether you're watching a matinee, a midnight showing or even catching some obscure film at the local art house theater - there are some people you just want to avoid. These are the people who make movies less enjoyable simply by being there. Some of you may fall into these categories (even myself at times - see below) and that doesn't make you an inherently evil person - but sometimes it can get annoying.
10) The Teenage Mob
I realize that young people tend to travel in herds, but seeing an entire row (or more) take over just invites disaster. They usually spend more time talking to each other (or, even worse, texting on their phones) than watching the movie. They giggle and laugh at everything - fake scream at horror - and generally make me want to act like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino - get off my lawn! Or at least out of the same theater I happen to be in.
9) The Spoiler
If there was one category I fall into - this would be it. The spoiler is someone who has seen the movie already and is now on their second (or more) viewing. If it's a good movie - they can't help but point out how awesome the next scene is going to be or avert their eyes if they know something terrible is about to happen. Vocal spoilers are much worse - don't blurt out the next thing that's coming up, you jackass. That goes for me as well.
8) The Chatty Catchy
Some people don't realize that when you're watching a movie in a theater, you're supposed to be quiet. This type of person just doesn't get it. They will talk about anything and everything - it doesn't have to relate to the movie at all - they'll just gab - what they had for lunch, how their family is doing, shopping, what they're reading - Throughout. The. Entire. Movie. Telling them to quiet down will only give you an evil stare - and they might shut up for a five minutes or so before starting right back up.
7) The Stench
Look - take a shower, put on some deodorant, slather on the cologne - there is no reason to attend a movie if you smell like you just got back from slaughtering animals or running a marathon. Period. This also goes for people who are sick in any way - just stay home - a movie isn't worthy infecting everyone with whatever you're carrying at the time.
6) The Exclaimer
Some movies are designed to provoke a reaction. But certain people react no matter what's going on on the screen. They yell at the movie like they expect a response. It's like an unfunny version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 - and unless you're doing it from the comfort of your own home - leave the commentary to yourself.
5) The Drunk
Like the teenage mob, the drunk is usually a group of people - loud and who think they are funny. If the entire audience is drunk - hey, it's a party, but if you're the minority (read: your own group) your loud, obnoxious and (to you) funny behavior is barely tolerable. They don't feel pain but if they get too rowdy, I'm sure tossing them out is a viable option.
4) The Sleeper
Yes, I have heard snores coming from people in the theater. The funny thing is, it's not usually a solitary person - they are at least with one other person and for some reason, no one wakes them up! Do they find this amusing? Embarrassing? Whatever the case, unless you can work it into a terrible review for a film - someone sleeping is just not cool.
3) The Phone Forgetter
Despite the numerous reminders before every movie, it seems there is always someone who forgets to silence their phone. Hey, it happens, but you should still receive a slap for it - a light slap, but a slap none-the-less.
2) The Phone Who-Cares-What-You-Thinker
Some people forget to turn their phones off and are embarrassed when it goes off. Some people don't turn their phones off - on purpose. I've seen people have entire conversations on their phone while a movie is playing - and not that quiet, either. These people don't just need to be slapped, they need their phone taken away and crushed before their very eyes. Texting is also frowned upon.
1) The Crying Child
Was it going to be anything else at the top of the list? I realize that certain movies (animated mostly) will have children - even very young children. But when I'm watching an R-rated horror film or action movie or something with giant robots - you know, something adults enjoy, I don't expect to be interrupted by a baby. I'm not married. I don't have a child myself - I don't know how hard it is to track down a babysitter - but it can't be that bad. Don't these people have relatives they can trust? Nothing kills the buzz faster in a theater than a wailing baby - no matter the genre.
How about you? Anyone you've ran into at the theaters who make you seriously question humanity? Make you want to scream or walk out? Share your stories - I won't mind.
Comments
KingInTheNorth - wrote on 08/12/13 at 05:24 PM CT
"The late ones": guys who come to late to the movie and walk through your row with: "excuse me" "I'm sorry" "Pardon me" etc. God, that's annoying...
Ryan Stephen M - wrote on 08/04/13 at 03:18 PM CT
Seat kickers, excellent addition! If it happens once, that's an accident that I can give a pass for. If it happens multiple times it's out of order.
Chris Kavan - wrote on 08/03/13 at 06:12 PM CT
Oh yeah - seat kickers - that should be added as #11 - and anyone who brings in outside food should be beaten with a wet sock full of quarters. Unless it's a theater that actually serves food and drink - don't bring your meal in with you.
Daniel Corleone - wrote on 08/03/13 at 01:46 PM CT
"Despicable Me 2." Wanna add those who eat loudly due to their habits or food (Nachos or chips!).
Daniel Corleone - wrote on 08/03/13 at 01:43 PM CT
Answering calls during the movie #2 = the wifey. Luckily, my kid (1 almost 2 on Nov.) kinda behaved well during his first flick Despicable Me. He got restless after an hour but still enjoyed the flick. You forgot the "seat buggers." Those whose knees or foot hit your seat (intentionally or not, it is very annoying!) while your viewing is just plain insensitive. Cool points Chris.
Nick - wrote on 07/31/13 at 11:32 PM CT
My two worst are the sick people, coughing, sniffling, I don't want to get sick! Stay the hell home you idiot. That's what Netflix is for! I also hate crying babies, that comes in at a close second. I simply don't get those people that think those two things are OK to do.
When you said you sometimes fall into one of the categories, I thought it would be #7, the stench, not #9. You and your farts man. Don't forget for #9, that also includes people who have read the damn book the movie was based on, and ruins the movie that way too.
Ryan Stephen M - wrote on 07/31/13 at 10:14 PM CT
The teenage mob is horrible, and uncontrollable. The worst for me though is someone who is sitting close to you, maybe directly behind or in front, who will just not stop talking to someone next to them. Grrr few things annoy me more in life. Is it too much to ask for someone not to talk during the two hours or less for a movie. Even if a movie is 3 hours long, the same still applies. Just sit there, quietly, and watch the movie please.
