Screw the Box Office - I'm Feeling Patriotic

By Chris Kavan - 07/02/10 at 09:01 AM CT

I don't care if Eclipse is going to make major bucks thanks to legions of screaming girls and fans of shiny emo vampires - it's not a film I would willingly seek out. I had high hopes that Airbender would save the weekend, but it looks like M. Night Shyamalan's latest effort is crippled by a muddled mess of story, wooden acting and 3D conversion that screams "Wasted Effort" - in short, Jonah Hex is being compared favorably to this, and that was a terrible film.

Therefore, since nothing opening in wide release appeals to me, I guess I'll have to show my gung-ho patriotic spirit and watch some real American classics. What do Americans really like? I think it goes a little something like this:

1) BASEBALL - Yes, that all-American pastime! Grown men hitting a small round object with a stick and then chasing after the round object all over a field. Yet, there are some good baseball movies out there: take your pick - Field of Dreams, Major League, The Natural. You know, just watch whatever baseball film you like. It's as American as apple pie... speaking of which...

2) APPLE PIE - Home cooking is always a favorite. Unfortunately only two movies come to mind featuring pies: American Pie, in which Jason Biggs has carnal pleasure with the dessert and Stand By Me - in which a pie-eating contest (cherry, not apple) turns into a twisted revenge (warning - do not watch while actually eating pie). So this one is kind of a bust but...

3) WAR - Nothing is more patriotic than watching men shoot other men. There are some great war films, but you don't want to go too deep on the 4th - so no Apocalypse Now, no Deer Hunter, no not even Saving Private Ryan... lighten up with a little Dr. Strangelove or some Stripes or get a little humor and drama with Good Morning Vietnam!

4) VIOLENCE - Yes, nothing says America quite like violence. And what could be more American than the classic slasher picture. Go with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - family values, cannibalism, human-skin furniture and masks - it never gets old. Or go a little new-school and check out The Devil's Rejects - just as demented a family, Rob Zombie-style madness and plenty of blood.

5) ROCK N ROLL - You can't have a celebration without some good music. Dazed and Confused would fit the bill - it has a kickin' soundtrack, big name actors in iconic roles and kids getting all hopped up on drugs and alcohol, what could be more American than that? Or if you want to be a little cleaner, American Graffiti - hell, it has American right in the title! Plus it has classic cars - another wholly American obsession.

So, I have my weekend planned out - plus blowing stuff up real good - so what are you going to do? I promise I won't be too mean if shiny vampires are on the menu.