My Bloody Valentine 3-D
Review - My Bloody Valentine 3D
Is no holiday sacred? Weíve had Christmas horror, April Foolís Day horror, St. Patrickís Day horror, weíve even had Presidents Day horror and Fatherís Day horror. And now we have Valentineís Day Horror. BUT WAIT, this isnít the first time weíve had Valentineís Day horror because this movie is actually a remake.
If you havenít guessed by now, Iím talking about My Bloody Valentine, or to rightfully detach it from the original, My Bloody Valentine 3D. Itís your typical slasher flick, where thereís a supposedly dead guy running around in a minerís outfit killing with a pickaxe people no particular reason. What makes him ďspecial,Ē a word to be used gently with this film, is that when he kills a pretty woman (if sheís ugly, forget it) he cuts out her heart and puts it in a nice little Valentine box. Why? Who the hell knows. It is never once explained in the film. Nor, for that matter, is it explained why the camera lingers on completely useless characters, but Iíll get to that later.
The first ten or so minutes of this film are pretty awesome. They cut straight into the action, no plot development, no character development, not even any sex, just straight in to some of the coolest, albeit stolen, gore shots Iíve seen in a while, and all in 3D. Once we see ďTEN YEARS LATERĒ on the screen, however, the movie turns to crap. Suddenly we have to follow these boring people from the first bit of the movie who for some reason look exactly as they did ten years ago when they were teenagers. Thereís absolutely nothing interesting about a single character in the film except for a guy named Axel played by Kerr Smith, who just canít be taken serious as the chief of police with a name like ďAxel.Ē The only thing that makes this guy interesting is the fact that heís a total douche, to the point of near-hatred, which finally crosses that line by the end of the film, considering the outcome.
The main character in the film is Tom Hanniger, played by the now almost always awesome Jensen Ackles. What heís doing in this movie is unknown to me, especially when Iím praying he doesnít end up typecasting himself as ďthe horror guyĒ with this and Supernatural. Tom was the most notable witness of the killer, Harry Warden, before his supposed demise. Ten years later, he comes back into town and is accused by some of the townspeople of killing all those people so many years ago. Again, this doesnít exactly make sense considering the fact that there were eye witnesses. at the scene. They just excuse it as a cover up and thatís the end of that. Anyway, the killer happens to come back, which doesnít exactly help Tomís case, so he decides to set things right and figure out who the killer is, or if it is in fact Harry Warden come back for...um...revenge? Thatís the biggest problem with this movie: Nothing happens for a reason. Everything just sort of happens and thereís no explanation for why anybody is doing anything.
Now if the still unperfected science of 3D hasnít enticed you to go see this movie, an actress named Betsy Rue has a solid four, count Ďem, four minute nude scene. Everything in this movie says it was written by a fourteen year old boy, from the nudity (which is the only freaking thing in the movie that actually sort of makes sense, even though itís completely unnecessary), to the horrible dialogue (the dialogue is so bad I canít even describe it in words), to the bland gore scenes after the first ten minutes. And about that, how many ways are there exactly to kill somebody with a pickaxe? I mean, really, they actually reuse some of the kills in this movie, and thatís terrible.
I have to point out one last thing, which is the token black character, a police officer played by Edi Gathegi. He is to my recollection the only black person in the entire film, and for some reason, the camera guy was really proud of this, because every single time heís in a scene, the camera focuses in on him. Thereís no explanation of this, and Iíll just tell you right now that he has absolutely no connection to the murders or the murderer. It really is as if they forgot to cast any black people in the movie, so they created a character with barely any lines to just stand in the background (well, foreground for the most part, again, for no reason whatsoever) and...be...black...I guess.
If youíre really into horror and youíve never seen a horror film in 3D, then I guess itís not a complete waste of money. It feels like some of the later Friday the 13th movies, and I seriously hope the actual Friday the 13th movie coming out later this month is not anything like this. They can really only get better.
Final Verdict: ★☆☆☆☆