An Epic Fail.
John Carter is, to put it simple, a stupid movie with an incoherently told story and meaningless characters. It nearly put me to sleep. The visual effects may be first-rate, but who really cares? We've seen enough visual effects in the last decade. Those green alien things looked absolutely hysterical, the action sequences were lame (including this one scene which involves the character John Carter facing off against these two gigantic lumbering idiots known as the White Apes, which was meant to be cool but was just unintentionally hilarious), and put all of that aside, the movie was consistently very, very boring. I was unbelievably bored by this film because of how slowly it muddles through its messy plot and its constant introduction to random characters (which takes the story nowhere), and how much I just didn't care.
The film was directed by Andrew Stanton, who directed two of the many great Disney/Pixar masterpieces, them being Wall-E and Finding Nemo. Last year we had Brad Bird come directly out of animation to direct his first big-budget action film, Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol. That movie was pretty damn good. What happened here? Stanton had great experience developing beloved characters and keeping a consistent tone. It surprises me that the great talent behind Wall-E and Finding Nemo couldn't make something memorable here.
1.5/4 (Skip It)