Yojimbo's Movie Reviews (2062)

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Cobra (1986) 
"Cobra" by Yojimbo
0.5/4 stars

Marion Cobretti is a cop. A cop who doesn't play by the "rules". A cop who gets results. A cop who dresses like a male stripper. A cop who is clearly in love with his car and probably jerks off over copies of Guns & Ammo. The villains are a collection of killers who casually slaughter everyone in their way, conveniently removing any need for a plot or characterisation so a Sly untroubled by thought or conscience can just throw enough ordnance at them to invade the continental USA, while the surrounding traffic spontaneously explode into balls of flame. Brigitte Nielsen (another of cinema's finest acting talents) is also on hand to model a series of crimes against fashion to a horrific AOR rawk ballad, intercut with a montage of gratuitous violence while the bad guy sharpens his weapon. This laughably offensive testosterone-soaked tripe is one of the worst examples of 80s tackiness around, and is so inane and simplistic it could easily be mistaken for a spoof. At least Arnie would've injected a little humour into the proceedings; Stallone just made it a bone-headed ego-trip that makes Rocky IV look positively sophisticated.

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