X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)X-tremely (yawn) lame.1.5/4 starsWolverine's back story to the eventual reboot of the X-men universe starts on a sour note. This is mainly because we're taken to the 1800's and then given a poor man's version of the opening to Watchmen.
After we're shown Wolverine and Sabretooth, who's never even called Sabretooth in the movie (!), battling through the World Wars and 'Nam we are introduced to a slight portion of the mutant population. Enter Wade (aka Deadpool), the Blob, Agent Zero, Beak 2, and Wraith. Each gets a partial scene as they enter a facility in Africa that has a rock of Adamantium. While the group plans to slaughter anyone who won't tell them where the rock is from, Wolverine walks off the job. He just walks. One mission and screw it. By the way, you won't know who or what any of these mutants are unless you're a comic book geek. This is what we call "non-accessibility".
Also by the way, Wade and Agent Zero and Blob and Beak were fun nonetheless! Wade cuts a bullet in half and each half kill off an extra. The Blob punches a tank barrel, instantly stopping it's canon fire, and shakes his hand like he was mildly shocked. Agent Zero flips over a fence, reloads his guns while running, and annihilates everyone in his path. Beak controls everything electric. These guys were fun!
Somehow from here Logan manages to walk from Africa to Canada in his military outfit. We discover he has shacked up in the Canadian mountains with a local school teacher, Silverfox, though you'll never hear her full or mutant name either. Wolverine is evidently a lumberjack and that's okay! Before too long Victor (Sabretooth) shows up and Silverfox is dead. This unhinges Wolverine who returns to his original band of mutants to get his famous adamantium claws. Sabretooth also chokes out Beak, which is sad because Beak is now a circus freak doing lightbulb tricks. "I always thought it would be Wade knocking on my door," he says as Sabretooth towers over him chuckling.
From here everything gets really, really, really patchy, cheesy, and uninvolving. Wolverine escapes Weapon X or Alpha Flight or whatever it is because he hears William Stryker say that they will erase his mind. He blows up Agent Zero in a helicopter and then hunts down Wraith and the Blob in Vegas. After defeating the Blob, who is described as having an eating disorder (what?!?), in a boxing match (what again?!?) he discloses information about a three-mile island where all captive mutants are taken. Wraith and Wolverine track down Gambit because he is the only mutant who has ever escaped.
I'm torn on what to think about Gambit. On the one hand, when he is introduced, one must really question why people are playing cards with a guy who is flipping his cards through mid-air, red currents of energy running through them. This is lame. As Gambit sours on Wolverine and uses his full deck of cards to repeatedly barrage his chest until he flies through a wall, well, it's just cool and one of the better effects in the film!
Wolverine and Gambit continue fighting in an alley where Sabretooth is ripping out the spine of Wraith. (This made me happy. Will.I.Am as Wraith is by far and away the lamest character in the flick. He looks uncomfortable as if he doesn't know his lines and he always rotates towards the character that has his set-up lines. He can't act and his dialogue with other characters just hurts. He sticks out like a sore thumb and is more annoying than that Boom Boom Pow song he helps Fergie sing!). Gambit jumps in the air and literally blows up the entire alley with his cain, which emits some form of energy blast. Sabretooth looks all freaked out and runs away while Wolverine pummels Gambit. After beating the crap outta Remy, Remy flies Wolverine to the island.
On the island we learn that Silverfox is alive and had to trick Wolverine because Stryker is holding her sister, Emma Frost, captive. Along with Emma in captivity are the Toad, Ice-man, Cyclops, Quicksilver, and the rest of what will be the X-Men. As we watch them escape Sabretooth saves Wolverine (What?!?) and they must face off with Deadpool. This is not the gabby, talk happy Deadpool from the comics. This is a new version that Stryker has placed all of his captured mutant powers into. It has blades like Wolverine, can teleport like Wraith, has Cyclops eye beams, and you get the idea. Wolverine cuts off it's head with Sabretooth's help and then Stryker shoots Wolverine in the head with an adamantium bullet. This evidently erases his memory. Gambit saves him but Wolverine doesn't know who he is. He can't even recognize a dead Silverfox on the ground.
The ending is an eye-roller and doesn't make much more sense in terms of choices. Gambit flies away in his airplane and Wolverine tells him that he'll find his own way rather than go with him. Thus, once again, he just walks through oncoming police and fire trucks. No problem after walking from Africa to Canada! Next, a lame and poor CGI make-up of Professor X lands in a helicopter and takes all the escaping mutants to safety.
Overall, I'm just really annoyed with this franchise. Wolverine is a slight upgrade to X3, but only slightly. Younger people and fanboys may enjoy the constant barrage of mutants, but non-fanboys and those looking for a good time will just scratch their heads at the constant lameness and vagueness of the whole affair. Marvel films also once again supply us with less than impressive CGI (Bad Marvel films with worse CGI: all Hulks, Daredevil, Ghost Rider). Emma's diamond skin, Wolverine's adamantium claws, and a fake Professor X are just plain silly looking! Add to that the Fat-Bastard style costume of Blob and you can understand why nothing is exactlly right or worth your $10.00 ticket. In short, wait for the DVD because the effects and characters aren't impressive enough to watch on the big screen.
And finally my biggest complaint of all: Wolverine vs. Sabretooth. Wolverine and Sabretooth are arch-villains. Why do the fights we get with them all look the same then? Wolverine constantly spins and opens his claws while Sabretooth runs along the ground. Next, Sabretooth tackles him and then Wolverine stabs him. Repeat! This is every fight scene with them. Yawn. Lame.
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