Beat your Russian twice a day. Top 5 USA vs Russia Films

By Adam Love - 07/21/10 at 08:47 PM CT

In honor of Hollywood’s release of “Salt” this weekend (starring America’s favorite exotic baby collector, Angelina Jolie) and the recent spy swap between Russia and the U.S.A. I bring you my top 5 U.S.A. vs. Russia movies in no particular order. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Miracle (2004)

Classic David vs. Goliath story of U.S.A. beating Russia in the 1980 Olympics for the gold medal. Well written and acted piece of pop culture that would have otherwise been filed in my overstuffed bin of “hockey movies I could care less about”… I’m looking at you, Emilio Estevez. The Mighty Ducks trilogy is unforgivable.

Rocky IV (1985)

Our boy, Rocky “The Italian Stallion” Balboa, pounded Dolph Lundgren (playing Russian boxer Ivan Drago) into mental retardation. No, I don’t have any solid proof to back up the extent of Dolph’s injuries. However, the only role Lundgren chose in the 4 years following his rise to superstar status in Rock IV was starring as He-Man in “Masters of the Universe”. The proof is in the pudding friends.

Hunt for Red October (1990)

Evidence that even Russians hated Russia. Sean Connery plays a Russian defector in command of a submarine with new technology that makes it virtually undetectable underwater. This is a film based on a Tom Clancy novel. If you hate any of the Tom Clancy films then you, sir or madam… are indeed a Russian terrorist. Game. Set. Match.

Air Force One (1997)

I know, I know. Many of you will discredit my whole list for including this movie. Come on, it’s the President of the United States (played by Indiana Jones himself) whoopin’ some ass on Air Force One! You can’t tell me you wouldn’t enjoy watching this movie some Sunday afternoon when you have nothing better to do. Apparently, by the time 1997 rolled around, we had played out ways of showing our superiority over Russia so badly that we decided to pit our unarmed president against six terrorists and still came out on top. It’s so ridiculous I love it. And all you haters can suck it.

Crimson Tide (1995)

Even though this isn’t directly a Russia vs. U.S.A. matchup. I feel that the U.S.A. vs. U.S.A. matchup in this movie saved Russia from being in a real pickle. Had we launched a nuclear knuckle sandwich on a nation we had already man handled once (and was in turn rife with instability)… well that’s just insult to injury. Russians just need to watch more American cinema. They would know they don’t have any chance to beat us… at anything.