By Chris Kavan - 10/14/10 at 02:56 PM CT
So maybe you've decided to take a camping trip or bought your child the hot new toy of the season or maybe just broke down in the wrong part of Texas. Whatever the case may be, somehow you find yourself fleeing from someone or something that seems to be a man but just... won't... DIE already. Also, he's incredibly strong and seems to wield blades or other weapons, but not firearms. What do you do? Stay calm, regroup and use your brain.
1) Don't Do Anything Stupid - Don't decide to go skinny dipping. Don't get high. Don't sneak off to go have sex - in fact, just don't do anything to attract attention. If you do anything to get you noticed by a 6-foot tall axe-wielding maniac, chances are you deserve to have your head severed in a gristly fashion. Sometimes it's nice to play the hero, but in this case less is more.
2) Stay Together! - No, do not go investigate that strange noise in the basement / woods / creepy house. Please, do not decide to check the perimeter one last time. Heck, don't even take a piss alone. Look - for once the saying is true, there is safety in numbers. It doesn't matter if you have to spend time with your ex or someone whose personality clashes, deciding to a loner only means one thing - entrails will spill or heads will roll, literally.
3) Outsmart the Bastard - Look, weapons are good, but it doesn't seem to matter what kind of firepower you have, shooting the thing doesn't mean you'll survive. It seems the only way to truly know you're safe is to A) Completely dismember the killer or B) Trap him somewhere he can't get you (at least until the sequel). Granted, sending someone to the bottom of a lake or trapping them in a cave-in or even collapsing a house on someone is no easy task. But these lunkheads tend to be slow and not always the smartest. You might not think you can lure them into a woodchipper or vat of acid, but they seem dead set on killing people one at a time, so outflank them, set up a few traps, use that noggin to gain the upper hand.
4) When Contacting the Authorities, Lie - Look, if you say a crazy, unkillable psycho is on a rampage, the police might be skeptical. Instead, say that you suspect a meth lab is in the area and the people inside are armed and dangerous. With any luck, they'll send in a S.W.A.T. team and if nothing else, they will provide ample distraction why you steal a cop car and get the hell out. Of course, actually getting in touch with the authorities can be a challenge as you seem to lose cell reception and power whenever you need to reach out and touch someone.
5) Don't Panic - Lord knows if you run you'll only end up injured and easy prey. Likewise, if you decide to hide you will inevitably be found and also easily slaughtered. Granted, staying calm in the face of a knife / axe / chainsaw-wielding monster is not a cakewalk. But it's also no help to scream, bellow and run around like a moron. Take some deep breaths, recoup and decide on a course of action.
6) In the End, You Might Have to Make Some Sacrifices - In order to escape intact, it may become necessary to eliminate the dead weight. Be aware if you're: Fat, Annoying, an Asshole, a Bitch, a Know-It-All, a Nerd or a Goth you'll probably end up being the sacrificial lamb. Because you might need a diversion to finally get away, and if you're not liked or an outcast, chances are that diversion is you.
Hopefully you won't come up against any mask-wearing, undying, murdering freaks in your lifetime. If you do, just keep the above simple rules in mind and maybe, just maybe, your face won't become a lampshade and you can keep your head (and other parts), firmly attached to your body. Next Week: Zombie Apocalypse? No Problem!
