You Are Who You Eat!

By Chris Kavan - 10/09/10 at 12:08 PM CT

Why no, it's my pleasure to have you over for dinner tonight. What's on the menu? Oh, don't worry about that right now. Rest assured it will taste like nothing you've had before. No, no, please don't get up - in fact, I've arranged a little entertainment for tonight. A few of my favorites coming right up...

1) Silence of the Lambs / Hannibal - He's a genuine prodigy - a charming intellectual with a silver tongue and calm exterior. True, he's also insane, but you can't hold that against him. Yes, feel free to try the liver, it's exquisite tonight.

2) Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street - I assure you that steak and kidney pie is a delicacy. Anyway, make sure if you stop in for a shave and a haircut, you bring the family along. Believe me, you'll thank me when he takes a little off the top... instead of a lot.

3) Alive! - I hope you enjoy the leg of... lamb? If you say so. Anyway, you can't tell me that under extreme circumstances you also wouldn't resort to some things that would be considered unnatural, even morally repugnant. Unless you've actually been in that situation, you won't convince me.

4) Soylent Green - I assure you, it is supposed to be that color. Lucky for us overcrowding isn't that big of a problem... at least not yet. I'm sure that the benevolent corporations would never resort to sticking it to the have-nots while the wealthy live high on the hog... on second thought...

5) Cannibal! The Musical - Who said Cannibalism couldn't be fun and entertaining? Certainly not Trey Parker and Matt Stone. See you can make a musical / comedy / cannibalism film - this proves it! Now just because these lady fingers are different from the ones you've eaten before doesn't make them any less delectable.

Wait? Leaving so soon! But we haven't had dessert. Plus I saved Cannibal Holocaust for last! If you can survive that on a full stomach, you will have passed the test. If you can't... well, let's just say that I'm having some more dinner guests tomorrow and it's always nice to have fresh ingredients handy.